Startup porn and the dark side of the funding stories in India

We all are blessed with power of imagination. Our capacity to do so, allows us to visualize great products/services or businesses. Some of us are bold (foolish or confident) enough to connect the dots moving forward to make a prototype. What next ? We wish to see it flourish like pinterest, facebook or twitter.   Our beliefs are :

Great idea + Working prototype+decent customer validation = Torrential rain of funds.

To our surprise, we see that cloud of investments does not come on our farms. These spicy stories of million dollar funding and billion dollar valuations are akin to startup porn. What is the reality of glitz behind startup industry specially in India ?

If you are curious, welcome to the dark side of the moon.

Dark side

These 12 small sentences describing what mostly happens after the honeymoon of great idea and prototype. This is not a story of sour grapes but an account of bad apples we encountered till we raised Angel investments from abroad.

1. We try to pitch to investors/ firms.
2. Most of them say nice things to us on face. Some will say- “The value of your startup is ZERO ( There is one Rakhi Sawant of startups who has written an epic on why? ) .
3. They give us a lot of Gyaan. Some time useful (TAM,SAM ,SOM etc) and mostly…. // There are langoors who hangs on all startup events. The first thing they do is : Go into any group, asks what they are trying to do and immediately YELL , “This doesnt work” . No matter what you tell him, he like a parrot will tell you, it doesnt work. Beware this specy will write a BULLSHIT story of an entrepreneur next.
4. They ask a lot of questions. Some intelligent ones but mostly  ……. a putrid gas like- Has somebody done this earlier? Is this business model proven ?  // Note that business of neither google, nor facebook not IPL was proven.
5. We pitch more and are asked to prepare  presentations which causes investor erection. Yes , king size erection, ready to jack out his entire wealth. Remember, a VC doesnt grow money in farms. (We  begin brushing/ shining our presentations. No  matter how many hours you put on ppt, it still falls short ).. // Listen to  another gas- “An entrepreneur doesnt do homework.” In fact, most of the times,there is more work done by an entrepreneur than the time an investor has to c0nsume it.
6. We work more on powerpoint and not on design or code…. There is another pain called elevator pitch which its said is a red pill to funding.  Yes, the elevator pitch helps. Its help is like-  You are in elevator with Angela Jolie and you blurt such a sexy 30 seconder that she will call you to her apartment and bed you in a fortnight. The odds are just that great.
7. You will refine your already refined excel financial model the 1000th time… Even if its dynamic and even if they agree on all assumptions, they will still disagree with the final value of business. Give them 60% or 70% or 80% discounts on valuation.  // One investor said – He will take upto 80% stake and said he was doing a favor on entrepreneurs to let them work on the idea they are so passionate about.
8. Pretenders will ask you 1000 questions on how the money will be spent?.. What entry barrier you have created? .. Whats your magic sauce? // Now hear the biggest of all gas – “So what you guys  have patent… It can be twisted, it has no value in consumer space.. Just a point in case – Google paid USD 400Mn to Stanford for exclusive license of software patent.
9. You give 100 ways on money utilization.. They always scratch their holes, pluck one hair and give you a master piece on how you are wasting money unless you hang yourself from walls and code with your… The Rakhi Sawant of startup says- If I see an emaciated, ugly haired, red eyed guy who had not had sex for ages, I think he is the next Zuckerberg I should invest into. The idea is to look tortured..
10. Having wasted you precious months on B Plans, competitions, reality shows, you will hear – “Its too early for us .. ” from SUCKERS, who say we have even invested in teams with just a plan on paper. The fart- ” We invest in team- not in idea ” actually means that if you as a first time director can get Tom cruise to act, James Cameroon to direct and A R Rahaman to compose music for you, we will invest. The investment in a team is as likely as that.
11. You have little choice but to boobstrap ..oops bootstrap your way to sustainability . Then  if you need of money, banks can give you 3 months of working capital.
12. The investors will then tell, “They want to invest in your business to help it make big”.

If this has left some bitter taste in your mouth , either  shut  the F*** up and build your customers to  rule the world or read some funding porn on Desi immitations of Tech crunch and jack off your startup idea.

For more real life humor on Startup Porn please visit this post by Robert Scoble  https://plus.google.com/111091089527727420853/posts/BGhAUBKav9J
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